Choosing to belong

I don't know about you, but when I go home to spend the holidays with my extended family there are always plenty of opportunities to chose my story.

I have two sisters and three cousins with whom we grew up so closely that our relationships are more like siblings. Out of the six of us I'm the only one who isn't married with children. I'm also one of the very few (and the only one in my immediate family) who leans to the left politically. I'm the only one who doesn't drive a car, the only one who doesn't eat meat.

Sometimes the opportunity presents itself for me to feel like the odd one out. The choice is always there to tell myself that I don't really fit in anymore.

Some years I have taken that road. I've sat by while my sisters and cousins discuss their husbands and their children or while they've complained about policy changes that I believed in and worked hard to make happen. I've told myself that I was the outsider. I've snuck off to mourn for the children I may never have or to wonder how or when I became such a stranger amongst my own kin. I've chosen isolation in the midst of my family.

I don't know if you know this feeling, but if you do you'll know that it sucks. It can make you avoid the people who you love and who love you the most. It's a rotten feeling, not least because you know that you are choosing this isolation for yourself.

This year I got a wake-up call about the stories I create for myself the night before I drove home to the farm. I saw how capable I am of choosing to see rejection when no such thing was intended.

This year I chose to see the space that was always there for me, rather than focusing on what set me apart.

How about you? Maybe you fit in to your family like a hand in a glove. If not, if like me you are the the grey sheep of the flock, how do you avoid the temptation to choose isolation for yourself?

Comments

[Andrea]

This is such a great post. I feel like this a lot of the time, too - not so much with my family, but with friends, and in New Zealand in general. I think sometimes I choose to be a 'foreigner' and make myself feel isolated when there is really no need for it - and when no one else is reinforcing it.

[Steffi]

Interesting. Reading through your post I thought: "From the outside, you really are the odd one out. And thankfully so."

Yes, choosing to belong really is the thing, because belong we do. Always.

My family of origin is an assembly of isolated figures. I find this rather sad but it feels more right to me than the former pretending of being a happy family. Which we weren't. But what we tried to appear to be from the outside.

I'm working on creating a happy, healthy, loving family of one.

Thank you for your post! It really got me thinking.

♥

[Alex]

This is a great post. I think from some of my cousins I'm definitely judged for being divorced and not yet remarried at 37. I have avoided some events because of it but I find I'm much more likely to do it when I am judging myself for it too. When I'm ok with things, I don't take their judgments and assumptions so personally.

[sarah]

Glad you enjoyed xmas more this year. We loved it and certainly I noticed how much more relaxed and fun you were this year. We know we are different, and one of our differences is you think deeply about things and I just don't. So probably while you were deeply thinking about our differences I was busy onto the next thing. Thing is, it's ok to be different. We love that you are different, my kids love that you are different. Caleb proudly tells his mates that he has an Aunty who bought him Flight of the Conchords for xmas and it has the F word on it, and a song about prostitutes!! How cool is she! And she lives in cool places like Afghanistan and stuff. And she eats chocolate bars but with no chocolate in them! :) So glad that you chose to think about how you belong rather than how you don't. LOVED having xmas with you, can't wait till we see you again. love your big sis

[Emily]

This is a really interesting thing to post about ~ thank you for sharing it.

I am part of a very large family, and one I originally sought distance from, so that I'd have the space and time to become myself. I still maintain a distance (they all live in the one area, whilst I've lived abroad and presently live in another city) but I feel that whilst I'm not close to them I have found my place. I accepted who I am and am happy with that. When I see some of the others we are still able to sit and chat, but others who I'm markedly different from... well, I guess we just let each other be. I hadn't really thought about it much before, but now I realise that I made a conscious choice to bring me where I am now and I could just as easily make another choice at any time.

Best wishes for 2010,
Emily.

[ash]

certainly over the years i have be come an outcast to some of my cousins, ironically, this christmas, my aunt apologized to me for her sons as they've not made efforts to befriend me due to my views or different life-style. i don't fit in w/ them. and it's sad as i used to see them as brothers. but you're right "belonging" changes, i think, and those that i call "family" have extended and changed...and i am glad for that...and i'm ok.

thanks for sharing, btw

[amy]

a grey sheep? perhaps you could be a lovely emerald green or fuchsia instead? this post resonated with me .. i loved your sister's comment too. my two siblings and i share left leaning politics (much to my conservative parents surprise) and an odd sense of humour. i'm often aware of the differences (and how tender they make me feel) at the end of a day with my family. they head home with their families and i go home alone to a cup of tea and a good book. your post gave me some good things to ponder.

[Swirly]

You know I totally relate to this, and had a huge breakthrough this summer in releasing the stories that were preventing me from really embracing my family. This shift was the highlight of 2009, truly.

[Anton]

NYE i didn't know where i was heading, i knew if i stayed home it would be boring, the only thing holding me back was the weather, funny thing it changed and the the skies cleared.

I had the most amazing time with some friends, i did in a sense feel like the odd one out but my friends know what i'm going through.

It's amazing how much music lifts our spirits on the sands near the beach house. I couldn't have asked for a better start! Out of the corner of my eye i saw the neighbours looking at us enjoying the meditation of the music as if they had never seen anything like it before. That put a smile in my heart, it was something they enjoyed.

Yes everyone is different, even if nobody understands us, as long as we understand ourselves thats all that matters......... Someone on the night didn't understand the music, i said just listen to the sea, don't try to understand everything, enjoy the peace....